How to Deal with Your Inner Critic and Build Self-Compassion
If you’ve ever felt like your worst enemy lives in your own head, you’re not alone. The inner critic is that relentless internal voice that highlights your flaws, shames you for past mistakes, and convinces you that you’re not good enough. For many people, it’s not just a passing thought—it’s a pattern of self-talk that becomes ingrained over time and impacts emotional well-being, mental health, and personal growth.
In this post, we’ll explore where the inner critic comes from, how it affects us, and most importantly, how to manage it with curiosity and self-compassion. Whether you're struggling with anxiety, low self-esteem, perfectionism, or just want to improve your relationship with yourself, learning to deal with your inner critic is an essential step on the path to healing.
What Is the Inner Critic?
The inner critic is the internal voice that tells you you’re failing, not doing enough, or somehow fundamentally flawed. It often sounds like:
"You should have done better."
"You're so stupid."
"Why did you say that? Everyone thinks you're ridiculous."
"You'll never get it right."
For some people, this voice can be downright abusive: cruel, relentless, and emotionally punishing. It’s like having an internal emotional bully that undermines your confidence and chips away at your sense of self-worth.
Where Does the Inner Critic Come From?
The inner critic is rarely born out of nowhere. It’s often internalised from early experiences: a critical parent, a teacher who humiliated you, a peer who singled you out, or a broader cultural message that taught you your worth was conditional. These voices become internalised over time and form the lens through which we view ourselves.
As a survival mechanism, the inner critic often emerges to protect us. It tries to keep us small, compliant, and out of harm’s way. Somewhere along the way, we learned that it wasn’t safe to be ourselves—and so we developed this inner watchdog to monitor, shame, and correct us before others could.
Why the Inner Critic Is So Harmful
Although the inner critic may have once been protective, it’s rarely helpful in the long term. Chronic self-criticism is linked to:
Increased anxiety and depression
Low self-esteem and self-worth
Impaired relationships
Perfectionism and procrastination
Burnout and emotional exhaustion
When you constantly judge yourself, your nervous system remains on high alert. You may feel shame, guilt, or fear, even when there’s no actual threat. This can lead to chronic stress and prevent you from taking risks, speaking your truth, or fully expressing yourself. It can make you feel uncomfortable at times when you would prefer to feel relaxed and at ease.
Getting Curious About Your Inner Critic
The first step in changing your relationship with your inner critic is to become aware of it—not to fight it, but to observe it. This is the practice of self-witnessing.
Pay attention to your self-talk. Notice what you say to yourself when you make a mistake or feel vulnerable. Is the voice kind, or is it cruel? What tone does it take? Where might it have come from?
Sometimes we can't control our thoughts, but we can shift our relationship to those thoughts. Recognising that you are not your thoughts—and that your thoughts are often unreliable—is a liberating insight. Over-identifying with your inner critic fuels the cycle of shame and keeps you stuck. Disrupting this cycle begins with curiosity.
Why Self-Compassion Matters
Self-compassion is the antidote to self-criticism. It’s not about letting yourself off the hook or avoiding accountability. It’s about treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you’d offer to a friend.
Many of us find it much easier to be compassionate toward others than toward ourselves. But self-compassion is a skill that can be learned—and with practice, it gets easier.
When you start offering compassion to your inner critic, you begin to shift your entire internal landscape. You create space between the voice of shame and the core of who you really are. This space is where healing happens.
Imagine replacing your inner critic with an inner ally—someone who reminds you of your strengths, recognises your effort, and believes in your potential. This shift can increase self-worth, build emotional resilience, and fundamentally change how you relate to yourself and others.
A Simple Practice to Begin With
One powerful and surprisingly effective practice is to meet your inner critic with a mix of curiosity and gentle humour. When that harsh voice starts in, try asking, “Am I that bad? Really?” or even, "Are you okay, hun?"
These small phrases, while tongue-in-cheek, invite a gentle pause. Reframing your inner critic in the process, as a flustered, possibly overreacting part of you that may be trying (badly) to help. Instead of absorbing its message, you observe it with compassion. You may even find yourself smiling at how dramatic it can be. Over time, you learn not to take its intrusions personally.
This approach doesn’t deny pain or dismiss struggle—it just softens the edge. It makes space for kindness and interrupts the automatic spiral of self-judgment.
Reframing the Inner Critic
Some people find it helpful to personify the inner critic. Give it a name, a voice, or a personality. Meditation teacher Sharon Salzberg named hers "Lucy" after the bossy character from Peanuts. Doing this creates distance. It allows you to see the critic as a part of you, not the whole story.
You might visualise your inner critic as a worried child trying to control everything, or as a grumpy old teacher stuck in the past. If it helps you meet your inner critic with more compassion and less fear, embrace it.
When you shift your relationship with your inner critic from one of fear or submission to one of curiosity and compassion, you gain freedom. You stop living under its rule. This creates space for a deeper and more meaningful relationship with the self. One that can be supportive rather than shaming. This small shift can lead to huge changes over time. This process can take a while – it may even become a lifelong practice - but it is possible. The good news is that there are a plethora of strategies that can support you on this journey towards self-acceptance.
Long-Term Benefits of Befriending Your Inner Critic
As you learn to respond to your inner critic with kindness, you may notice:
Increased self-confidence
Greater emotional resilience
Stronger boundaries
More authentic self-expression
Less anxiety and shame
Over time, your internal world becomes a safer, more encouraging place. And that changes everything—from how you show up in relationships to how you pursue your goals.
Final Thoughts: You’re Not Broken—You’re Growing
The presence of an inner critic doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you’re human. But you don’t have to keep believing everything it says.
By bringing awareness, curiosity, and compassion to your inner dialogue, you begin the process of transformation. This isn’t about silencing your inner critic—it’s about understanding it, reframing it, and, eventually, reclaiming your voice.
Small steps can lead to profound change. So the next time your inner critic pipes up, take a breath, get curious, and maybe even ask, "Who rattled your cage?” Then listen—not to obey, but to understand. And offer yourself the grace you’ve always deserved.
Need support in navigating your inner critic? Therapy can help. Working with a qualified counsellor provides a safe space to explore these patterns and learn how to build lasting self-compassion.
Resources for further support:
© 2025 Estelle Harrison. All rights reserved.
The content of this blog is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice or therapy. If you are struggling with your mental health, please reach out to a qualified professional or a trusted service. Click here for a full disclaimer and a list of mental health resources.
